I wrote this to Kevin Rudd our Prime Minister, I hope you will forgive me for sending it unrevised, my only excuse it that I feel a little unwell and tired at the moment.
With the upcoming visit to Australia of the Pope for World Youth Day.
For the thousands of survivors of sexual abuse at the hands of catholic priests, nuns and others who continue to cover up the extent and the effects on victims these days leading up to the arrival of the pope are days fraught with fear and anxiety.
I believe I am no different than so many others yet I am different in my own ways. With almost 5 years of regular counseling to deal with the abuses I realise that none of that was geared towards surviving the visit of the pope as the leader of the catholic church.
Day to day survival becomes paramount together with a rising instinctive need to warn others of a danger. My abuse was only 50 years ago, my attempts to find a conclusion lasted only been 5 or 6 years an was brought to a halt because of the malpractices which became in their own way more painful to bear than the original abuses.
It is a daily fight with all my senses to be able to allow my son the freedoms he deserves yet instinct reminds you on a daily basis that the danger is still out there. Other things remind you on a daily basis though these may not necessarily be as a result of the papal visit,some such as that first thing in the morning reminder are a daily constant - to wake one day without my body reminding me that the pains I feel in my back are my body's way of reminding me that the danger has not passed, yet I need to get up and make breakfast for my child. The first few steps are always the worst on most days, putting my right foot to the floor and then getting it to carry the full weight of my body is something that over more than 50 years I have not been able to devise a way of doing without the pain or the reminders.
Standing by my bed to greet the new day the thought occurs to me that it would be nicer to quickly drink down a glass or 2 of red wine or any other alcohol or drug I can find which would knock me down and cause me to sleep a few more hours with the hope that when I woke it would on just one day be different.
It is never nice to discuss ones toilet habits however I hope that this morning will be different, the constant anxiety and the roiling in my stomach says I must, I am hoping that all I pass this morning is just some blood from my body's reaction, more likely it will be bile from my stomach which is very acidic and painful, there is nothing else in my body to pass as eating is an on again off again thing, yesterday and for a few days before that were off days and I ate very little.
A hot shower in the winter is always a good starter, get it as hot as you can on those painful points on my back and as much on my foot as possible, you have to laugh at least it has taught me to balance on a hot soapy shower base with one foot. There are only dismissive thoughts about a 3 minute shower as easing those pains is prime. Thats why in part the power bill is so high and it niggles that that is just another of the costs the planet and I have to pay. It can get a little depressing and I want to crawl back and sleep again as I am awake and up 4 hours too early for work yet again. I will be glad when the whole business of the papal visit will be over and my body driven anxieties will have a chance to subside and then hopefully I will be able to get that one good nights sleep that I crave for.
My stomach says that it will not accept food yet so I look for some comfort in an early morning coffee and cigarettes as these are some of the only legally available drugs which appear to provide a smidgen of the comfort my body feels it needs. I have talked with others who say that heroin as soon after you wake helps blast things away and fogs up everything to such a degree that you don't feel a lot of those things -the aim is to wake and hit up as quickly as possible. I wonder if anyone has actually looked at the association of drug use and sexual abuse, perhaps that is something Freda would have some information on.The coffee does feel good, the cigarettes I think are simply a way of distraction and do me no good otherwise.
Am expecting some emails so a cup of hot tea may help settle me for the day. No email from M, I hope he is all-right, talking with him recently was difficult when all you can offer is the lament that those things are just some of the prices we have to pay because the issue of sexual abuse of children by catholic priests has never been addressed by our governments. Perhaps today will be different for both of us and for those others who have a less fantastic start to the day than I do.I was talking with M not long ago, he feels that the repeated safety checks on his car by the police who magically happen to be at the end of his street many mornings is related to his repeated visits to them over his own childhood abuses (could not possibly be you say - I personally think there are thousands out there who will loudly and vehemently disagree with you). Not that that has done anything in the way of bringing about a resolution for him. He feels like the rest of us who have made those repeat visits to police across the country and have only been met with further abuses and fines for traffic offences and charges of failing to follow a police directive. It somehow just does not sit right when the very people whose job it is supposed to be to deal with issues like ours are totally unsupported through the long-term failure of governments to deal appropriately with the sexual abuse of children by errant catholic priests. It seems that they treat or deal with it as some form of religious issue. A couple of alphabets of Ms and JTs etc see it as a law and order issue, a criminal issue of sexual assault and childhood sexual abuse. Is it any wonder so few are willing to put their full name to their comments or when they are spoken of publicly or attempt to speak out publicly on the issue as they are met with howls of protest about their anti-catholic or anti-christian stance. Me thinks it is anti-christian to use anti-catholic/anti-christian to silence those who wish to speak of this as a sexual crime, as a criminal act or to voice their opinion that society from top to bottom has turned against them because they were over-powered as a child.
Still it is a new day and something positive might come from it,hey I might even get notice from Queensland Health that they will investigate my claims of malpractice and abuse - probably not as the issue of being threatened by their staff to be silent about sexual crimes committed by (shhhh religious) is perhaps something they don't want to talk about. I guess that is OK in a way but it gets in the way of providing proper health care and it gets downright scary when they will go to the extreme of issuing a warrant for your arrest. Still that is really unimportant in light of the fact that they forcibly drugged you and to such a degree that you began to feel that they were in fact trying to kill you in order to keep you silent about the religious side of it - so OK forget the religious side and focus on the criminal side- how do you say I was sexually abused by a catholic priest without saying catholic priest? How do you complain to Queensland Health about being threatened by staff for speaking about a catholic bishop without saying catholic bishop? I guess I will not hear from Queensland Health today.
Oh well there must be other positives to look forward to. Let me see. Is today the day I have to go to court for traffic offences - no not today - I am such a criminal for intervening on my child's behalf in my attempt to remove him from the threat of his grandmother to fuck him whenever she wants - it just seems odd somehow that that magically turned into a traffic offence - gets you a bit pissed off when you recall that that lying son of a bitch policeman wrote that I refused to be interviewed - now that is something that does make my stomach churn and my body want to purge itself - a fine upstanding police officer doing his duty of protecting the neighborhood from nuisance and annoyance - just seems a little odd or perhaps even strange as I have made over 10 visits to the police in an endeavor to have the matter addressed - just seems a little odd and even stranger that this event can travel through the entire process of the legal system and I am not permitted to raise and have heard the issue of cause, the purpose of my actions - the threats of sexual assault against my son. I wont go on here about that much more as it does cause distress and really gets messy when it comes to educating him as to the role of Health and policing by having pre-state simple things like "The police are thereto protect people from pedophiles and the like" and "the police swear an oath to uphold justice" with "This is what society says, but in your case there is an exception it seems because your father was sexually abused by a (there is that word again) catholic priest and no-one wants to address that.
Maybe I can focus on work - how do I do that? It is difficult enough at work and the poor bastard who pays me has no idea of just how much time is lost in my trying to remain focused on the job - its not just the flashbacks its having to stomach the whole injustice of the situation and on the one hand having to be logical in my work and having to live in an irrattional and ill-logical reality.
Perhaps I will read some news online - lets see - hmmm a catholic (there is that word again) priest seems to be unhappy about the waste of money on WYD when he does not have enough to help those in need -that seems normal. There is a piece on who will pick up the tab if WYD does not get the numbers to cover the costs - seems they mentioned Canada in that respect - did not see any mention of the (there is that word again) catholic churchs involvement with the murder of more than50,000 Canadian children - seemed to be lost on the premier of NSW as well that point - somehow I felt that the murder of 50,000 children would have seemed important to our politicians even if the sexual abuse of tens of thousands of children is not important to them - it was a little galling to have him pass that off to some bloke in WYD who responded about how much money the WYD was going to bring to NSW, he did not respond to any of the bits I wrote about re human rights violations and the rights of the child and rights of victims in NSW -thats normal. Might have been lucky that I did not say all I felt in my response to him as it would be another opportunity to apply "Truth,Justice and the Australian way" and take me to court for slander orsimilar or to claim I am another religion basher - somehow they just don't seem capable of understanding that it is the violation of human rights and the crime of sexual abuse that is being talked about. Me personally? Oh I feel that he should be held before the courts on human rights abuse charges, not that that would ever happen because you may have a need to use the word (there is that word again) catholic in there somewhere. [Now dont get me wrong here, some of my best friends are catholic - hi Helen - and they are wonderful and helpful people -between her, my counsellor and Freda they are probably responsible for(sometimes repeatedly) saving the lives of abuse victims whilst under full attack by (there is that word again) catholic bishops through their legal representatives - you just wish sometimes one or 2 of them might get an AO or something as they dont get any financial assistance for the work they do or recognition for the lives they have saved.
Still, where was I? I wanted to mention the (there is that word again) catholic police officer who kindly told me that despite his training and his best judgement he would just write me a ticket and send me on my way - went on about his 2 kids in a (there is that word again) catholic school and the fact that he didnt want to hear shit about PTSD and sexual abuse by a (there is that word again) catholic priest so instead he abandoned his oath and sent me out on to the highway to manage as best as I could (I might write another day about that after I get over the fact that this son of a bitch refused to answer my phone calls or emails when I went to him for help after managing to survive the rest of my journey and 2 weeks of absolute hell - I hope it sticks in his craw that I did survive though I am not sure how I managed that).
Was it yesterday, yes it was yesterday that I decided to write to every Premier, Attorney General and Governor in Australia - well most anyway as I could not find email addresses for all of them - I have heard that you are not a betting man but I wonder what odds you would give me on getting a reply directly from any one of them - probably screwed that one up because in there was the word (there is that word again) catholic or perhaps its the words sexual abuse - not sure on that yet as no-one has actually responded to the points I have made imprevious emails to so many politicians (and as I said that son of a bitch police officer here has the gall to say I refused to be interviewed - lying bastard is all I can say on that). Just had the thought that I might send this off to all of them this morning, I hope they will overlook the fact that its a letter to someone else and I may have not got their titles etc correct - I'm just doing it on the off chance that one of them may actually read the content and then hopefully respond in an appropriate way - as my mother said to me as a child on many occassions when dealing with the sexual abuse of her children by catholic priests - "John, you may as well wish in one hand and spit in the other to see which one gets filled up first if you are expecting anyone to do anything about it other than to run and hide from the horror of it. Its been going on for so long and it will be there when you have children of your own". I was 9 when she said that,I am 59 this year. The fact that she was right and accurate in saying that has not diminished in those intervening 50 years. I wonder how many thousands of little boys and little girls have had their genitals ruptured and their lives ruined because some priest wanted to ejaculate into them to satisfy his sexual wants and then used the power and control of the (there is that word again) catholic churchs want to protect the good name of the church - I suppose if they can get away with the murder of 50,000 children in Canada the use of another couple of thousand children as sexual toys is nothing to be concerned about.
Well thanks anyway for listening Kevin, I wont bother to write again tomorrow unless things change a little for the better - Oh yes things will progress and change in other ways, I may get legal aid if I can beat the damn lottery system of that, most likely I will pay the fine and perhaps lose my licence for a few months - maybe I can apply for a work exemption after all I am only able to work 3 days a week -well most weeks anyway. Must remember to tell my son of the pride and honour that that lying son of bitch must bring to the Queensland police force.
Have to mention the reason why I did not provide a street address -its foolish of me I know but I felt it might just help in delaying police from finding me easily (is that obstructing justice?) as it would really tend to bugger up my day and make it difficult to provide for my son - I suppose the ones who knock on the door would only be doing their job - does this sound crazy to you - it does to me and to many many others.
The name John Brown - yep its real as well.
As I said I probably wont bother you again as I understand that the economy and the other stuff of the business of the government is much more important than the likes of me. Mostly I wont write again because the days for me and those thousands of others will be much the same and no-one really wants to hear about that - lets just make it with the understanding that if you don't hear from me tomorrow our lives will be very much like today.
PS Have a nice day and I wish you luck with all the important government issues you are struggling with.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: John B
Date: Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 5:44 AM
Subject: re:Pedophilia and sexual abuse of children in Australia
re: Pedophilia and sexual abuse of children in Australia
I feel we should all take a step back and consider the fact that thereare children involved and it concerns their safety and their rights tobe safe and our responsibility to provide that safety for them.
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.Pedophilia and sexual abuse of children in Australia